In approximately 8 minutes, it will be Christmas.
A part of me wants to have the same conversation I always have. It’s the one where you say “It just doesn’t have the spark it used to, does it?” Then I say “Yeah, I know what you mean. When I was a kid I would get so excited about Christmas, weeks in advance. Now it’s Christmas Eve, and I still don’t feel that excitement. What happened to us?” But I’ve had it too many times, and to be honest, it’s getting a little old. We know exactly what happened to us: we grew up.
The holidays have always been about filling a void. As a kid, I lacked nothing. So, the void was small; it was filled by a toy, or a guitar pedal, or a day off of school and a belly full of chocolate. But as a slightly older kid living away from home, I have slightly more complex feelings: loneliness, homesickness, stress, monotony, exhaustion. Small voids are fleeting: they come and go, and are satisfied with a spark. Large voids linger, and are filled with a slow, pleasant burn.
I used to value stuff. Now I have stuff, and value home. And unlike stuff, home has absolutely nothing to do with the morning of December 25th. So I sit here on Christmas Eve, feeling no excitement, but plenty of warmth. It’s quiet and peaceful and blurry and dim, and has something to do with the clink of a coffee mug being set on a glass table, the periodic flap of an opening doggy door, and the faint sound of my dad snoring. It has more to do with the comfortable silliness of watching a movie I’ve seen a thousand times than the excitement of what comes tomorrow, and more to do with wrapping the biography of Paul Dirac I just bought for my dad than opening whatever he got me. Things have certainly changed; but what was gained is certainly better than whatever was lost.
Still, peace and quiet lend themselves to certain emotions, and tonight is no exception. I’m in a melancholy mood, and feel like listening to melancholy music. If you’re anything like me, maybe you’ll want to too. Here are two songs. Rather than dealing with the hassle of Mediafire or Rapidshare, I figured I’d just embed YouTube videos which play the audio in the background. Enjoy.
Sufjan Stevens – That Was The Worst Christmas Ever!
I’m not always the hugest Sufjan fan. Sometimes I really like him, but other times — particularly when he’s got a choir and repetitive instruments behind him — it gets old really quickly. This doesn’t, to me. It’s just Sufjan with a banjo and quiet female harmony; in short, everything there is to like about him.
Going outside
Shoveling snow in the driveway, driveway
Taking our shoes
Riding a sled down the hillside, hillside
Can you say what you want?
Can you say what you want to be?
Can you be what you want?
Can you be what you want?
Our father yells
Throwing gifts in the wood stove, wood stove
My sister runs away
Taking her books to the schoolyard, schoolyard
In time the snow will rise
In time the snow will rise
In time the Lord will rise
In time the Lord will rise
Silent night
Holy night
Silent night
Nothing feels right
Pedro the Lion – God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen
I hadn’t listened to this song in ages, till tonight. It’s a lesser-known one, off of one of his annual 7-inch Christmas vinyls which only a fanboy like me would own. Although I am neither sipping Christmas whiskey nor wondering if I still believe, the last line somehow resonates with me quite a bit tonight.
God rest ye merry gentlemen
Let nothing you dismay
Remember Christ our saviour
Was born on Christmas day
To save us all from Satan’s power
When we were gone astray
Oh tidings of comfort and joy, comfort and joy
Oh tidings of comfort and joy
After Thanksgiving our folks
Unpacked the manger scene
With Mary, Joseph, Shepherds,
Three kings on bended knee
But left the manger empty
‘Til we slept on Christmas Eve
Oh tidings of comfort and joy, comfort and joy
Oh tidings of comfort and joy
And now my wife and children dream
Of gifts beneath the tree
While I place in the manger
Baby Jesus figurine
Sipping Christmas whiskey
Wondering if I still believe
Oh tidings of comfort and joy, comfort and joy
Oh tidings of comfort and joy
—
Now, like every year, I feel a sore throat coming on. I’m guessing that’s my cue to go to bed. Merry Christmas, everyone.
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